During my time as an elementary school art teacher, I can remember my shock the first time a child I hardly knew threw her arms around me in a tight embrace and exclaimed her love for me.  Holding this tiny girl, I stood there and wondered why she would pick a stranger to show such affection to.  Over the years, this scenario has played out a hundred times, and each time I reciprocate the embrace and assure the child that they are cared for; and each time, my heart breaks just a bit.  It took me some time to understand that children like this are parched for parental intimacy and that it is not me but my smile and kind words that elicit their response. Oftentimes, I will say a small prayer for that child as I wonder what excuses the parents have made for being unable to love them.

There is an epidemic rarely spoken of, like a giant pink elephant sitting in the middle of the dinner table, everyone knows it is there, but they lack the strength or skills to get rid of it.  Children learn their base behaviors and priorities at young ages from their parents.  Parents are the primary role models of intimacy, creating nurture where nature can not. While some may have an ingrained tenderness, most adults learn how to interact with others from the example set by their parents.  When the parent lacks the skills to show love, the child goes without nurture and lives void of the necessary love and attention they require to develop positive relationships. Children who go unnurtured and miss appropriate affection may lack security, have low self-esteem, and may be more likely to form inappropriate relationships at a very young age.

            The perpetuation of generational abuse within families and the emotional and psychological trauma caused by such abuse leads to dysfunction, separation, divorce, and abandonment.  Children who live in a home where the child is alone for long hours, in a stranger’s care, or have emotionally detached parents who rarely give positive emotional or physical attention may not understand what is missing or why.  Children from homes where emotional or physical neglect occurred do not understand that their childhood lacked parental intimacy. They may see themselves as mishaps, with feelings of inadequacy without cause, and turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, or criminal activity to replace their parents’ love and attention.  This seeking behavior is especially prevalent with children whose parents have separated or divorced.  These children not only deal with the absence of intimacy, but they must also incorporate the feeling of their parents towards each other into their familiar relationships.  Children of separation or divorce can encounter harsh and hostile behavior between their parents that often creates a situation where they are expected to choose between one parent and the other. As a result, the risk of mental illness and suicide is much higher than average. These children may carry unhealthy behaviors into their parenting, having no idea how to deal with their trauma; therefore, choosing to parent in the same manner as they were raised or refusing to parent at all.

            The connection is what I describe as a love reservoir.  We all have this imaginary reservoir or love tank, which is often needed to fill through nurture. An empty reservoir will drive a person to find a source of affection regardless of the supplier’s intent. Unfortunately, when our reservoir is chronically low, we often turn to self-destructive behavior to dull the feelings of want and need.  We know that children who have the example of a loving parent and constant access to positive forms of physical and emotional attention are more likely to abstain from early sexual activity, avoid drug use, alcohol addiction, and are more likely to graduate from high school and attend secondary education. In addition, as adults, those who had a parental example of positive intimacy may be more likely to achieve positive long-term relationships and the ability to use positive intimacy in their parenting.

            There are indications that another adult can take the place of the emotionally absent parent. For example, big Buddies, foster care, church youth groups, and after-school programs give these children access to appropriate intimate relationships that can break the familiar cycle within their family. In addition, these programs are often associated with counseling programs for wayward youth, which allows for emotional and psychiatric evaluation of at-risk children.  Nevertheless, in many cases, there are long-term emotional issues that the adult child must continue exploring and dealing with to learn how to parent using positive emotional and physical.

            Every time a young child throws their arms around me, I remember that what they need is a love fill-up. So, I gently hug the child back and sincerely tell them that they are loved, and I will often make a special effort to show that child positive attention.  I know that I cannot save the world and that the child often needs more than I can offer; yet I wonder if my hug will be enough to remind them how precious they truly are and help them avoid the pitfalls their parents have placed in front of them.

https://www.attachmentparenting.org/