This was a statement made at a recent training I attended. The invitation implies that you are welcome, wanted, and encouraged to join those already sitting.
How many of us spend precious energy talking ourselves out of that invitation. Today, more than ever, we feel separated, without connections, living with loneliness and forlorn. These doubts often rule us and impact our lives in ways that might take decades to weed through.
I am too different. They won’t like me. I think differently. They wouldn’t understand my past, my present, my choices, my trauma…
Before you sit at the table, do you feel you must introduce your quirks to the group? I do. Over the past 5 months, I have had multiple provider-level job interviews where I have been asked many ‘get to know you’ questions. Below are my answers to the ‘Tell us something about yourself that you would want to change or that makes you feel uncomfortable’ questions.
“Sorry, sometimes I say what I am thinking. I am a bit spectrum and I don’t always catch cues. I’m not very good with big change. I do get overstimulated sometimes, but if you give me a minute it gets better. I’m not always good with authority, I might complain first.”
One of my interviews started with a pretty hefty game of phone tag. When we finally connected, the other person was light-hearted completely disarming. We laughed about our game, and they expressed how glad they were that we finally met. I felt welcomed at that table.
Contrast that with the moments we have walked into a room without engagement. It doesn’t take long for those negative feelings to come up, for the excuses to pile high, and for your mind to convince you that you are not welcome. We have all been there. We assume the lack of welcome is judgment.
I have literally had to repeat to myself, “No one is talking about me. No one is judging me. I am worthy to be here.”
I envy those who have the confidence to welcome themselves to the table. I am grateful for those who look for a moment to connect. Those who wave you to a seat, welcome you with a smile, come up and say hello. I have been blessed to have people who genuinely welcome me to sit with them when I do not feel the need to explain why I don’t belong.
It is really amazing what a smile can do. How a glance can disarm. The priceless act of grace pushes back against self-judgment and doubt. I can only hope that at some time in my life, I can offer a sincere invitation and help someone feel the belonging that has been gifted to me.
Luckily for us, there are those that grab our hand and pull us in before we can turn away.
Next time you are invited to sit, just sit. Forget the excuses, don’t worry about the purpose of the invitation, ignore the doubt. Sit. It is the only way to know if these are your people. It is the only way to find out if this is your place. If it doesn’t work out, then focus on creating your table of belonging. Work to surround yourself with those you want to sit with. Be the smile, the welcoming glance, the outstretched arm. Create your place to fit in, and you won’t have to doubt if you belong.
I am not very good about guarding what I say. I am awkward and often say the wrong thing. If an act, statement, or policy is harmful, unproductive, or meant to limit my ability to improve, I tend to speak before my passion can be tamped. I have gotten in trouble for making a “thing” out of a moment and bringing a concern to light. Unfortunately, there have been plenty of inopportune misunderstandings, and my actions negatively hurt myself or others, creating fear instead of change.
We encounter fear in many forms; fear of loss, fear of harm, fear of the unknown, fear of physical, psychological, and emotional pain, fear of inadequacy, fear of punishment and repercussions for ourselves and those we love, and more.
The use of fear to align others with a specific ideology, behavior, or action is written throughout history. Fear motivates positive and negative responses and can create those responses en masse if utilized correctly. Fear can motivate a kind of peer pressure so intense that those who do not conform encounter danger to themselves and their family simply by choosing not to follow and not to be afraid. Fear shut down the world and had neighbors calling authorities on neighbors for simply being outside their front door.
I understand that fear is an amazing change agent! Targeting one person on a team, when that person is leading a policy change or encouraging transparency and a better environment for the team can quash all momentum and stop any movement toward change. Using fear to set an example works.
This is especially true in the patient care setting, where the use of coercion, threats, gaslighting, narcissistic behavior, deflection, and fallacy is used to gain patient compliance. It can happen to anyone, even the most seasoned patient advocate I know.
I encountered the use of peer pressure and fear of failure in a recent conversation with an MD influencer. This MD used her platform and personal success with an elective 39-week induction to encourage her followers to comply with her preferences. I spoke up, but the replies were invalidating, and some were downright mean because I was not a doctor. It did not matter what ACOG statement I shared (the doctor’s governing body) supporting informed choice or the research indicating the benefits of spontaneous labor in low-risk pregnancies and the risks of elective induction…I was told my experience did not count because I didn’t have the ‘right’ credentials and did not know what I was talking about.
As a nurse, I have stood at a patient’s bedside listening to their provider use these tactics to gain consent or listened as the patient is told that they do not have the experience to make medical decisions regarding healthcare interventions.
Fear is used to create doubt and compliance en masse, because if the system can make you feel like an outsider, it is easier for it to control you.
So....what is the answer?
In my experience, finding those who think and believe like you. Want a homebirth? Find others who have birthed at home. Want to give birth in a birth center, extended breastfeeding (breastfeeding > 2 years old), not circumcise your son, or make other care decisions considered not mainstream? Find those who have made those choices, and the fear is melted away with support and knowledge.
This is a special note to those we turn to for support in our choices. To those who help us navigate informed choices and our options, please remember yours is not to convince but to guide, support, and ease the fear that comes when we venture away from the influencers and followers. It is easy to become the fearmonger when you have convinced yourself that your choices are right for everyone or that you know best because of your training and credentials. We need you to push that aside and support informed choice so that every voice can be heard.
Fear...it has had enough control! It is time to be brave!
I was thinking the other day about who we are to others, who we appear to be at this moment in time, and what is missing from the impressions we leave behind. This is why those “I have not done” lists on social media are so popular. We want to know a person’s story and who they were before who they have become. These lists are like the pictures of the 80-year-old woman standing in front of the mirror, and in her reflection, you see a nurse, a lawyer, a soldier…or a child. Snapshots miss so much about what made us who we are today, and they completely disregard the changes we have made in our lives. Most of all, they miss our growth and the lessons we learned within that change. The danger is that we dismiss the person’s past and expect what we see, often leading to less grace, less humanity, and less forgiveness.
“Then ask yourself why it is necessary to know why someone is the way they are, or what in their past taints their now, for you to give them the understanding and grace you would readily give if you met them in that past moment.”
My snapshot may look like this – Wife, Mother, Grandmother, Nurse, Student, Midwife, Woman of Faith, Lover of sunflowers. Where I have been has made me who I am, but you cannot understand ME without knowing my past or experiences. If I look in the mirror, I see a young girl with horribly low self-esteem with an extreme overbite, one too many bad haircuts, and years of bullying by both peers and adults. I feel the times of intense poverty and instability as a daughter of a diabetic blind father and a bipolar mother. I survived sexual assault and physical abuse and was kicked out of my house at 17*. These experiences were wrapped into a neurodivergent brain that said what it was thinking, did not understand social cues, and desperately wanted to be included and loved.
*My children know I am a survivor of childhood abuse, domestic violence, and sexual assault. These have never been in-depth conversations and usually come about through topics such as autonomy, protecting self, how we treat others, and why I or others are the way we are. Many things have gone unsaid, and I have told my children that if they read my journals, they should do so with caution, and certainly after I have left this world because there are things they may not know. I think that is likely true for all parents, as we tend to guard our children from our past.
It is a protective instinct to shy away from sharing our past with others, especially our children. Sometimes, we are ashamed of our choices, or it is painful and difficult to talk about. We may believe that sharing our past gives our children permission to act the way we acted, and we do not want them to make the same mistakes we made, or we may believe that our past is behind us and does not impact our current selves. We may have come from a household where you didn’t talk about self, struggles, behaviors, or events and feel that speaking these truths is taboo. This may lead us to normalize negative behavior, leading to generational trauma as harmful practices are passed down from parent to child. In most cases, our children do not understand where these beliefs or behaviors stem from, and they may normalize the negative as they mirror our behaviors.
This is where I remind you that you are not responsible for the choices of others, especially when you were a child or the outcomes of those choices. It is not your responsibility to carry the weight of those decisions; doing so harms you and your future self. While you are responsible for your own actions and reactions, it is limited to what you knew at that time. If you, as a child, were given alcohol or drugs by an adult and became an addict, you are only responsible for what you did when it was solely your choice. If once you were responsible for yourself, you continued to use it, then that is where your responsibility starts. There are still consequences for your behaviors as a child; sadly, those consequences may carry through your life and into other’s lives. This is especially true in cases such as a child giving another child drugs, or a child sexually abusing another child. We must learn to forgive ourselves and let go of the psychological and emotional weight brought by another’s choice. Carrying this weight prevents us from healing and prevents that person from being held responsible. If you were standing in front of me, I would physically lift that invisible weight off of your shoulders, and we would symbolically place that weight on the person responsible. It is theirs to carry, not yours.
If you have known me for any period of time you have heard me say, “When you know better, you do better”. I often talk about the discussions I have had with my (now adult) children about their childhood and their perceptions. My husband and I have prompted our children to take what was positive from childhood into adulthood and leave the negative. We are honest that we made mistakes, sometimes that caused emotional and psychological harm, and we want our children to know that they can always talk to us about those mistakes. My fondest wish is to roadblock any passed down/generational trauma and forge the way for permanent change for future generations of my family.
Take what I told you above about my childhood, and think of a moment when you have judged another by their snapshot. If you knew more, would you have reacted differently to that moment?
Ask yourself why it is necessary to know why someone is the way they are and what in their past taints their now for you to give them the understanding and grace you would readily give if you met them in that past moment.
Snapshots are only one moment in the making of a lifetime.
I am a fierce supporter of informed choice and autonomy in healthcare. I have worked for 23 years to give my clients and patients the freedom to choose what they feel is best for them. That means carefully educating to avoid bias, coercion, intimidation, or the appearance of authority.
“Every choice we have made leading up to that moment has created outcomes that pertain only to us and only to that moment.“
Informed choice involves the review of the risks and benefits of options and is not solely a medical treatment issue. It often impacts the choices we make in our daily lives that have little to do with healthcare. Additionally, the choices we have made before this point, especially the choices we have made with our bodies, and our lifestyle, impact our options and the risks of those options.
This is the risk-benefit ratio. These are the options and choices where you have to consider the risks versus the benefits and is highly individualized. My risks and benefits pertain to my circumstances and center around previous choices and outcomes. This is the reason why routine care policies and standard practices can be harmful. Every choice we have made leading up to that moment has created outcomes that pertain only to us and only to that moment. It is our risk-benefit ratio, and no one has the right to tell us what risks are too much, and what benefits are too few or vice versa.
I have had clients/patients who want their nurse or provider to make their care decisions. In those cases I take that responsibility very seriously and try to consider the risks and benefits within their treatment. I then introduce options with the least risk first, ask their preference, and continue to involve them in their care as much as they desire. I never want to be responsible for making decisions for a human who can choose for themselves. Even as a parent, the “because I said so” was very rare, and there were almost always two choices and an explanation of why. I’m not going to let you run into the street and get hit by a car or grab a hot pan, but if you try to do those things, we will talk about the risks.
“We don’t get to choose the risks or consequences, as they are a part of the natural order of humanity.“
The fact is, everything has risks, even those choices that do the most good or have the highest reward, we perceived the benefit so greatly outweighs the risks that we do not consider there to be negatives. We don’t get to choose the risks or consequences, as they are a part of the natural order of humanity, and even when we only see the benefits or positives of our choice, there will be a negative aspect.
“My risks and benefits pertain to my circumstances and center around previous choices and outcomes. “
For those that do not want children, either temporarily or permanently, the risk of pregnancy is so high that they will do everything to prevent it. They accept the risk of their decisions, namely birth control or surgery, because the risk of a pregnancy is much higher. For those who want children, they view pregnancy as a positive without risk, or the benefits so greatly overshadow the risks they are minimized to the point of null. However, the risks still exist, and usually show up to be dealt with; such nausea and vomiting, fatigue, stretch marks, bone and joint aches, and ultimately birth.
“However, the choice is ultimately ours, and no one has the right to remove our ability to choose which risks and benefits are acceptable to the individual.“
When we generalize healthcare and create an environment where everyone has the same interventions, we take away informed choice and force negative impacts creating a high risk, low benefit care environment. This is especially true with “you will” interventions – and often these are presented as you will have or we will be doing this intervention, and the options are often timed. For example: at 20 weeks you will have an ultrasound – at 37 weeks you will have a GBS (beta-strep) swab – we will break your water at 3 pm. These are suggested as interventions without risk, or where the benefit is assumed and the risk minimized, yet no one but us can assess the risks and benefits, and there lies the problem. For me, the option presented may carry acceptable risks, but for you the risks may outweigh the benefits and carry more harm.
“Additionally, the choices we have made before this point, especially the choices we have made with our bodies, and our lifestyle, impact our options and the risks of those options.“
I live the consequences of my choices. Yes, some of those choices impact others around me, and that should be considered in the assessment of risks and benefits. However, the choice is ultimately ours, and no one has the right to remove our ability to choose which risks and benefits are acceptable to the individual. As patients we have the right and responsibility to question, investigate, research, and expect feedback regarding our options. As providers we have to acknowledge that we do not fully know the risks or benefits for our patients, and since we do not live their life, we have to defer to their personal assessment. This means taking the time to listen and educate without the bias or our belief system or personal experiences.
*Sometime the options available are outside of the providers skills or ethical beliefs. The solution is referring or deferring to a different provider that can meet your patient’s needs.*
I wrote this in response to a new law my city has passed. It targets those with drug paraphernalia through city (municipal) law, and is touted to make criminalization and incarceration easier and quicker.
No one wakes up one morning and says to themselves, “Today, I am going to choose addiction, homelessness, PTSD, suicidal thoughts, or be abused.”
I am writing regarding the new municipal Fentanyl ordinance. I have been an RN for 14 years, working bedside in a hospital for the majority of that time and the past 2 years as an opioid treatment nurse at a substance abuse clinic. Before becoming an OTP nurse, I had worked with hundreds of patients with addiction disease. However, my time at the clinic has added vital interactions that have helped clarify the picture of addiction and its impact on the community.
This new municipal law is a “looks good from the outside” type of law. We can now arrest, charge, and jail a person who is in possession of drug paraphernalia, and we can do it faster than state and federal law enforcement because the law is municipal (city) based. Per the city prosecutor, this means we will be removing drug dealers off the street immediately after arrest. It sounds pretty, doesn’t it?
So, what is the negative of this new law? Simply put, drug dealers rarely carry drug paraphernalia, and what they are doing, selling illicit/illegal chemicals, is already covered by multiple state and federal laws. I am a child of the 80s and had children during the DARE school efforts. That is 40 years of actions and laws made to remove drugs from our streets that have been ineffective. We are living in the worst addiction history of our time, and nothing written into law has stopped drugs from infiltrating our streets and families.
However, generational trauma is like the story of The Princess and the Pea, where layer after layer is placed over that pearl of goodness and peace until it can no longer be felt, and all we see is the trauma.
Laws do not stop drugs, and they certainly do not stop, cure, or remove addiction from our society. Only the people in the community can do that. The person being arrested by this new shiny law is not the dealer but the chronic addict suffering a disease that has ravaged our society for decades. It is another law of words in a war that is fighting against the wrong target. Society loves to expect responsibility for self. We say, “Well, you are an adult now, and you make your own choices,” in a one-dimensional universe, that is right. If the abused could only wipe away the hurt and trauma at age 18 and suddenly become an emotionally healthy adult who has the right choices in front of them, we could all be satisfied that our self-righteousness is successful. However, generational trauma is like the story of The Princess and the Pea, where layer after layer is placed over that pearl of goodness and peace until it can no longer be felt, and all we see is the trauma. No one wakes up one morning and says to themselves, “Today, I am going to choose addiction, homelessness, PTSD, suicidal thoughts, or be abused.”
The pain is there and must be processed, faced, explored, and healed the best it can be healed. Only then do we free ourselves from the chains others put around us. Unfortunately, the cycle is ferocious, and once those chains wrap around us, we tend to make decisions that tighten those chains.
Few turn to drug abuse who themselves have not suffered abuse. Yes, there are instances where a mentally and physically healthy person becomes addicted to a substance, but they are rare. The majority have lived through a life affected by mental, physical, sexual, and/or psychological abuse. Some are given their first drug by their mother/father/brother/sister/uncle. Most sought out and found a way to numb their physical, emotional, and psychological pain in an attempt to function within society. Sadly, because we as citizens would rather ignore and then criminalize, the pain and abuse may have been passed down, creating layers of generational trauma that the child (now adult) is forced to weed through. As a nurse, I have heard personal and family history that would make your nightmares seem like happily ever after dreams. A person can not process these abuses and come out unscarred. Unfortunately, that is not the way our minds work.
The choices of those who make decisions for us while we are children impact us for the rest of our lives. As a society, we cannot escape the poor and even detrimental actions of the adults who care for children. The pain is there and must be processed, faced, explored, and healed the best it can be healed. Only then do we free ourselves from the chains others put around us. Unfortunately, the cycle is ferocious, and once those chains wrap around us, we tend to make decisions that tighten those chains. A person who is healing from childhood trauma often makes adult decisions that cause more trauma – hence the creation of generational trauma.
Laws criminalizing drug use do not work! Supporting the programs that help break those chains, give us hope, and bring light to the trauma-causing behaviors of those around us is an absolute necessity. We know without a doubt that addiction recovery takes therapy and time. We know that people will relapse as they work through both the experienced trauma and the trauma of their own choices. We know they do not want to be an addict, but the desire to numb overcomes everything else until the drug is all they know. For many, a combination of medications, therapy, and support leads to remission. Just like any chronic disease, addiction is never cured, but it can be stunted and remitted so that the person can live as complete of a life as possible as they recover from what they and others have done to their body and self.
If laws do not work, then what is our recourse? We must care, be willing to act, and refuse to accept the continuation of trauma in our lives. We must be brave enough to stand up for those who can’t defend themselves and stand up for ourselves and future generations to prevent the trauma from being passed on. We must see the person trying to heal and give them the grace and support to change their lives. We must be willing to look past the drug to the person and support the people and programs that can help them. We must see the bravery and strength that it takes to build the boundaries that prevent our children and grandchildren from becoming victims of the generational trauma that chains so many. We must support chain breakers and show compassion as they fight to heal. Most importantly, we must recognize that for people with an addiction, the handcuffs, jail cells, and prisons do not heal and do not cure…and they rarely create a better person or a better life.
Yesterday I was on my way to work and listening to Klove when they asked, “What is one word you would use to describe your life right now?” Immediately the word “happy” entered my mind.
Happy is scary for me.
Happy is a place of vulnerability.
Happy often turns to sad.
Happy gives me anxiety.
For years I didn’t let happy in.
I settled in a place of satisfaction with my life and dedication to my family. I vowed to break the cycles of abuse in my family and be a better mother and wife. But, I didn’t allow happy in.
Many people in my younger life were a source of instability, either because of my mother’s actions, who lived with bipolar disease, or distance as we or they moved. Due to my mother’s instability, my father’s illness, and intense poverty, I was pushed out of my home at 18. This led to marriage at 18, the birth of my first child at 19, and divorce after intense domestic violence. Additionally, like many, I am a survivor of sexual assault as a child and as an adult.
If you don’t expect happy then you can’t be disappointed by sad
At age 24, my father-in-law passed away suddenly. This thrust me into the world of a mother-in-law who, as of 31 years of marriage, refuses to have a relationship with her first daughter-in-law (me), instead maintaining a grudging distance. *For Christmas one year, she gave me a scrub brush. It was a nice scrub brush, but… That is a story for another time* This left me feeling uncomfortable and unwelcome, often alone. I knew my husband deserved a relationship with his mother and siblings, and our children deserved a relationship with their grandmother, aunt, and uncles. This led to years of emotional distress as I tried to fit in and “earn” her love. Then at age 27, my father passed away after years of struggle with juvenile diabetes, blindness, and 6 years of hemodialysis. My dysfunctional relationship with my mother became unsustainable within a few weeks after his death. Eventually, I realized that my dad was the glue holding my relationship with my mother. Without that buffer, our relationship was all toxic and had no benefit.
A child living with abuse, trauma, or a parent with a chronic illness, mental illness, or addiction normalizes their experience.
I read the paragraphs above, and my nurse brain sees why someone experiencing those life events might push happy away. However, I also understand that I lived as if everyone’s life was like mine for much of my youth, which was as good as it would be. That is what children do. I was blessed that along this path, I had helpers: grandparents who did their best to love my sister and me, an aunt who loved me and attempted to protect me the best she could, and an ‘adopted’ mom and family (I briefly dated her son) who offered me kindness, gentleness and showed me the love of God through her actions. I met, married, and grew up with an amazing man by my side who has worked hard to be patient with my baggage.
Happy. That emotion I thought I had given up on has finally found me, and it only took me 51 years to let it in. Why now?
I’m sure there are some happy memories stored under the pain, but I have to dig through the pain to find them.
Recently, my daughter asked me to tell her happy memories from my childhood, and we quickly realized that I don’t have many, or, more correctly, I don’t have access to many from my childhood. I can access stories of hardship, poverty, emotional pain, and a lack of happiness. I can also find memories of my dad that I am fond of, and they make me smile, and I tell them to help my children know him. I find memories with feelings of safety when my sister and I spent time with my grandparents and aunt. Honestly, I have a more challenging time finding memories of my mother that elicit feelings I want to share with others. That is hard for my child’s heart to understand; however, I know that nothing I did caused that pain, and it is NOT mine to hold on to. So, I let that be.
Breaking the cycle means letting the bad be. Laying the sad aside. Allowing myself the grace to know that nothing I did as a child caused the poverty, trauma, emotional and physical pain, loneliness, and feelings of not belonging. Seeing the heartache without owning it. Learning not to carry it with me. Learning to look at the pain without allowing it back into my life. To break the cycle, I had to learn to unload the pain I carried in my baggage to make room for happy.
The truth is, happy couldn’t find me until I let go of unhappy
There is no other way to put that. We are at a tipping point that this country and our medical system have NEVER faced before.
We have glimpsed this gateway before…..a couple of months of overtime, chronic short staffing and staffing cuts that create unfillable holes, patients spending hours or days in the Emergency Room waiting for a bed, nurses and providers spent to their last step, shortages of supplies and medications…..We saw moments of this before Covid. We have now walked through thE gateway and are living that reality.
What the average person sees:
Staffing Shortages
Not Enough Beds
Limited Time with Provider/Staff
Supply Shortages
staff apologizing for late medicines, dietary mistakes, late medications, missed hygiene, phone calls and call lights that go off without answer
patients waiting in the waiting room or emergency room, being moved to a different unit or a different room, being discharged early for patient census, being sent home and asked to follow up with your provider instead of admitted
Nursing only at your bedside for medication administration and assessment, having multiple persons answer your calls, doctor visits later in the day, staffing apologizing for limited access, missing your respiratory treatment
Being told we are out of a product, a medication, and multiple other supplies
What you do not see:
Staffing Shortage
Not Enough Beds
Limited Time with Provider/Staff
Supply Shortages
The unit manager working the floor for the 4th shift straight, patient care coordinators as nurses caring for patients, multiple staff from travel agencies to fill staffing holes, staff working 1-2 extra 12-hour shifts a week, 7 patients to 1 nurse staffing ratio, missed breaks-meals, staff working in multiple departments to help out. Staff working while their own health declines.
Providers and nursing caring for high number of patients so that patients can stay in their community, admin meeting to find ways to care for more patients, being asked to work in other departments to ease their burden, sending patients home as soon as they are able to open another bed.
Staff that haven’t had time to eat-use the bathroom or chart staying late, Providers admitting/discharging patients, assessing patients, ordering medications and treatments, charting assessments and mandated documentation, talking with families, researching treatment options, calling other specialists, CALLING hospital after hospital trying to transfer a critical patient. Nurses putting on and taking off gowns/masks/gloves to go into each room, answering call lights, giving medications at prescribed times, bathing patients, bringing food and feeding patients, charting assessments, admitting and discharging patients, conferencing with providers, calling families, giving oxygen, performing cpr, catching babies, holding hands, and doing their best to care for their patients
The anxiety, tears, frustration, prayers and anger when a patient needs a medication, supplies, treatments, and resources that ARE NOT available.
I was that patient. It was painful to hear my coworkers struggle to care for patients, knowing I had increased their burden. I knew first-hand what was going on outside my door. The sounds of hurried feet, the deep breaths before entering a room, the sadness of loss, the desire for your shift to end and, your burden to be taken by the next shift.
Let’s talk a minute about anxiety, frustration, and anger…let’s talk about the tears and the near panic. The fear that we are not enough, can not do enough, do not have enough to take care of our patients. The absolute fatigue and mental exhaustion of caring for patients in an environment that isn’t enough. The choices that must be made to give the most critical patients your all and, hope that you have something left for everyone else.
Let’s talk about the sleeplessness of waking up thinking about what you didn’t do, couldn’t do, and running events over and over in your head trying to find a way to do better. The emotional turmoil of wishing things were different but knowing there is little you can do to change this. The moments of distress as you watch a patient die and their family experience loss. Nurses hold space. We do what we can to take care of each other. If a provider sits for a moment, we do our best to let them be, and we wish a moment of peace on them. We do our best to be pleasant, smile, tell our patients we aren’t too busy for them and, help calm their anxiety and fears. Holding space is emotionally and psychologically taxing, and some have little left to give. Yet, we hold space……so you can heal, say hello or goodbye to a loved one, give hope, and seek peace when hope turns to finality.
It has been two years of Covid. Two years of coming home to our families tired, sad, depressed, anxious, frustrated, angry….our friends and family have done their best to care for us. But, it has been two years.
And even though we are tired, we will press on. We will be here for you!
If Covid has taught us anything, it should be to love others, be an active participant in your life, and not procrastinate living.
In the course of caring for patients, many nurses have contracted Covid. It is an inherent risk of the personal patient care setting. We reach toward and push aside caution to ensure that our patients and their families have the best that we can give. From the very beginning of Covid, each one of us knew the risk. August 2021 was my turn.
On a Friday in August, Covid snuck itself into my body. The following Tuesday came the realization that after 20 months of working with Covid patients, I was now a Covid patient. I have comorbidities that put me in a higher risk category. I do not regret my choices nor my sacrifice. All we have is the care we give to others and the sacrifices we make to better the lives of those around us. My faith is strong, and my support system is on a firm foundation.
I didn’t feel great, but I didn’t feel horrible. I admit to a false sense of security that my Covid was a mild case, and like I have done my whole life, I continued to care for my family and my responsibilities. The following Sunday, I noticed a change. I felt worse, and my cough was a little wetter, my fatigue more impairing. We knew I needed to be seen by Monday, so we took our first trip to the ER. Labs, chest x-ray, IV fluids, breathing treatments were administered, and we all felt comfortable for my return home. Unfortunately, we still have an incomplete picture of how Covid attacks the body. After months of caring for Covid patients and now after having it myself, I believe that Covid attacks the central nervous system as it causes generalized inflammation in the body. While all tests indicated I was holding my own, my body wasn’t so confident. As I became sicker I lost track of time at home, as my appetite dwindled, I became more lethargic, forgetting to hydrate. My time became a heavy blanket that dragged me down, making every effort feel like I was wading through the ocean. By Wednesday, we knew we had to return to the ER. Once again, Vern dropped me off at the doors and waited in the parking lot while tests were performed. This time it was clear that the inflammation was overcoming my lung’s ability to function.
Covid pneumonia covers the inside of the lungs with a spiderweb of infiltrates, causing tightness and pain when breathing. As a result, it becomes difficult for your body to oxygenate, and your oxygen saturation levels drop. If not caught and treated quickly, the body starts to experience failure. There are specific lab values that we identify as markers for severe covid disease. Ferritin and LDH levels spike, liver enzymes indicate acute liver damage, severe dehydration and hypoxia set in, and the heart bears the stress of circulatory collapse. In turn, pain increases, appetite diminishes, and lethargy is so complete that even drinking fluids is too much. This is about the time that the emotional and psychological despair sets in, and you begin to contemplate what the future holds. It isn’t a good headspace, and for those who are severely ill, on high-flow, have dealt with long-term chronic illness, being secluded in their room without the support of friends and family, the will to live can start to slip away.
I was admitted to Med-Surg on low-flow oxygen, and we started to work on getting me through the next few days. We threw every treatment we had at Covid. I can’t speak highly enough about my coworkers and friends; they are amazing at their jobs and wonderfully caring. Even though I was in isolation, I was being checked on and cared for. Day 3 was the hardest, and I spent quite a bit of that day in tears feeling alone and sad. I felt loneliness, despair, and immense sadness.
My hospitalization lasted 4 days. On the 4th day, we decided that it would be better for my mental health to be home with my family. I was still on oxygen, but we could set up resources, and I went home. Going home didn’t fix things. I was still sick, still weak, and my family was still battling Covid. It would be 15 days of oxygen, a cardiac echo, doctor’s appointments, chest x-ray, CT scan, and lung function testing. Others have had their own journey that has taken longer, or was more severe.
I’m happy to say we have all recovered. You could say I was blessed or lucky; however, I have worked diligently using nutrition, homeopathy, herbs, and essential oils to both prevent illness and give my body the tools to fight infection should it occur. I utilized my resources and went for help when I worsened. I didn’t wait because I knew waiting increases severity and the risk of intubation and death. As I told my friends and family, Covid was not winning this fight! Do not doubt that I know things could have been different. There is no guarantee in this life.
This post is dedicated to those fighting disease and those that support them. No matter what we do in life, disease finds us. Illness occurs. Covid is just one of hundreds of diseases that change our lives. No one is exempt. I do not know why some are cured, and others are not. Nor do I understand why some live and some die. What I do know is that no matter the challenge we face, those who love us help us carry our burdens and help bring us peace and joy. I can’t thank those special people in our lives enough. They are truly angels!!!!
When my husband and I were young, our parents used corporal punishment, and when we first became parents we parented in a similar fashion. Neither of us felt like that was who we wanted to be as parents. We wanted to keep the good of our childhoods without carrying forward the negative or toxic. We have often prompted our children to do the same and make their marriage and parenting better. Within our parenting journey we found Attachment Parenting International. With this new knowledge we grew and changed, but those changes did not remove the choices we had previously made. Our older children remember being hit as punishment as a consequence of our actions.
Options in life are essential. Each of us makes decisions based on what we know, where we are physically and emotionally, who we are, where we see ourselves now and in the future, who we depend on, and who depends on us. While the variables are extensive and the possibilities endless, they often feel constrictive and limited. The choices we make impact the choices we have. You can’t take back 10 years of tobacco use that has lead to your current health crisis, or reverse the impact on your child of drug use during your pregnancy, but you can choose now to do better and be better. While starting over, changing course, improving the now doesn’t take away the consequences of previous decisions, it can create beneficial change to your future. You can choose today to do better, be better, have better, and no one has the right to limit you.
Part of advocacy is helping others find their way “right choices”. As a nurse, part of my responsibility is to assist patients in their ability to choose what is best for them in the moment they are in, without judgment or attempting to convey my opinions and biases onto their choices. There are risks and benefits to every option, and those risks and benefits depend on you. When you know more you do better!
Hi! My name is Chantel. I am a certified and licensed (literally) birth junkie. What is a birth junkie? Simply put it is a person who can insert the topics of pregnancy, birth, postpartum, breastfeeding, and babies in to the most obscure conversations without any hint of caution.
I started working in birth as a Doula, researcher and childbirth/breastfeeding educator in 2000 after the birth of our 4th child (6th pregnancy). I LOVED my work and would have been happy doing that for the rest of my life…….and then my life hit a transition.
In 2004 my family moved to extremely rural Minnesota, and while I was able to continue my work as educator, my work as a Doula stopped. Then in 2006 another transition occurred and I began my journey into college and nursing. I graduated in 2010 with my Associates Diploma of Nursing with Honors-something to be very proud of when getting your degree, especially with 4 young children. With the beginning of my nursing degree in hand we moved to Missouri and I started working as a Registered Nurse in Pediatrics while I continued in school. In 2013 I found my way back to birth, this time as an RN, while finishing up my Bachelor’s degree in nursing-graduating in 2014 and in 2018 I certified in Maternal Newborn Nursing. My history as a researcher has helped create many evidence based policies for my nursing unit.
Update:
I am now at the completion of my midwifery degree. Once graduated with my CNEP MSN degree I can license as a CNM APRN (certified nurse midwife advanced practice nurse practitioner).
Starting my journey as a Doula has given me a unique perspective as a nurse. I have found patient advocacy and informed choice an important foundation of childbirth education, and I work hard to support birthing families achieve their wants, desires and needs within their time of transition. My hope is to use this blog as a starting place full of information and ideas to help birthing parents achieve their transition in the way that is best for them and their family.
Education, Trainings, and Certifications
Certified Doula (CD) Childbirth and Postpartum Professionals Association
Associates of Nursing Minnesota West Technical College
Bachelors of Nursing Capella University
Certified Maternal Newborn Nurse
Spinning Babies
Vaginal Birth After Cesarean
Required to maintain as a hospital RN
Basic Life Support
Advanced Cardiac Life Support
Neonatal Resuscitation Program
S.T.A.B.L.E program for neonatal resuscitation
Advanced Fetal Monitoring
Baby Friendly Initiative training
Published author
Former Operation Special Delivery Doula
Attended births
Homebirth
Birthing Center
Hospital Birth
4+ years of personal breastfeeding experience, including extended breastfeeding
Diverse Transitions Birth Services 