Christmas brings thoughts of family; and the New Year reminds us of new starts. However, for some families this means anguish, difficult memories, and turmoil. For them, the very thought of gathering with those they share DNA with causes anxiety, and even dread. This leads to increased depression, brokenness, and suicide attempts during the holidays.
Many of us with difficult pasts tend to collect friends that take the places of family members that are missing, or that we have removed from our lives. No matter how long these “Fremily” members stay in our lives, they play an integral part in how we adjust, grow and change. They mentor, they teach, they lead us to be better. They often show us that what we assimilated as normal, is actually dysfunctional, and in some cases harmful.
For me, these examples have taught me how to be a better mother, wife, friend, grandmother, coworker, Christian. I’m a better person because of those in my life who have loved and taught me. Those who give of themselves to others through example, time, and energy give us one of the greatest gifts we can receive: love.
When you grow up in an environment where interaction is unhealthy, you carry that disfunction with you into your adult relationships. The examples of love given by others teach us how to react, and interact in a healthier way. One of my favorite book series is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I found this book when our children were younger, and it truly helped me understand myself and others better.
My love language is service, with a small portion of physical touch that has been learned. My husband’s love language is words of affirmation combined with physical touch. I had to learn to be comfortable with hand holding, hugs, cuddling and other healthy forms of touch, because touch in my childhood home was either avoided or hitting. It took years to learn his love languages, but now I think I depend on it more than my husband. I have been blessed to have a husband who is kind, gentle, patient, forgiving and willing to go to marriage counseling to learn new ways for us to interact and react to each other.
In our lives, the examples of others impact who we are and who we become. When our example is hurt, anger, jealousy, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse we often normalize these behaviors. We then carry the negative into our adult relationships as we search out people who have those negative qualities we are familiar with. In contrast, those who are patient, kind and generous with their love help us to reprogram ourselves to become a better person. We then start to look for those characteristics in others, and we surround ourselves with that love.
I will ever be gratful to those who stepped in to my life to show me how to love better! They helped me become a better mother, wife, and grandmother. But most of all I’m grateful that they showed me that there was more than what I had learned as a child. The example of love is the greatest gift this world was ever given. We mean everything to each other!
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